Mass Effect: Andromeda Romance – Flagrant Cockery

masseffectsquadBefore I begin, let me first point out the positive of seeing People of Color in so many major roles in this installment of a Bioware franchise. I recognize before I begin this rant that as a white straight female, I’ve seen more love than many.

Also, I’m a DRAGON AGE girl. This is my first introduction to a full play through of a Mass Effect installment so my elf lovin heart has high expectations.

That having been said…

I’m just chipping into the monster that is ME:A, but as some of you lovely ladies and gents know, given I play these games FOR the romance stories woven into the plot, I have some fucking thoughts.

Fail.

That’s my thought. As a straight female, I say Fail.

And to share why, here’s a lovely tally of all the romance options in the new and long awaited Mass Effect: Andromeda.

Cora – Male Ryder Only

Liam – Female Ryder Only

PeeBee – Male or Female

Vetra – Male or Female

Jaal – Female Ryder Only

Gil – Loves the Cock!

Suvi – Lesbe honest, Female only

Keri – Male or Female

Avela -Male Ryder Only

Reyes Vidal – Male or Female

“Damn son, that’s a lot of lovin,” you say? Well, sure you do… if you’re a straight male.

Tally of romance options for a straight male – Cora, Vetra, Peebee, Avela, Keri (5)

Congrats, boys! Get some!

Now, even better! If you’re a gay female player who would prefer to romance another female, your tally is – Suvi, Vetra, Peebee, Keri. (4)

Holy shit, ladies! You are on the prowl! Nice to see the gaming industry is starting to really show some inclusivity, right?

 

mass-effect-andromeda-ss7

Peebee swings like a screen door in a stiff wind.

Well, until you take into account the fact that there are only TWO options for male gaymers, and a paltry THREE for straight females.

 

Three for the straight girls. Three.

I’d say the male gaymers got the shortest end of the stick, but they get Gil, and let’s be real, the first thing I did once I hit the Tempest was go mack on Gil (who instantly responded with “Liam’s more my type, if he wasn’t such an ass.”). Gil is without question the best male romance option in the game right out of the gate, and I don’t get to touch his butt. I cry foul.

Now, you might be saying, “Hey! At least the lesbian ladies are getting some representation here,” but we all know the truth of that assessment – ladies who love ladies lucked out for one reason and one reason only:

Because they’re lucky enough to enjoy the same thing as straight male gamers. Lady gaymers didn’t finally get representation, they lucked out by default.

Straight women, who if the rule of 1 in 10 (is gay) is true, make up approx. 45% of the population can only mack on 30% of the romance options. That doesn’t sound too awful, you say?
Well, that brings us to the options.

Liam – smoking hot ‘Moses, Ninja’ Attack the Block vibing steam machine.

Reyes Vidal – A man whose head looks like a potato.

Jaal – A literal talking vagina.

 

Seriously? That gives the girl gamer one viable option.

Liam. Who I naturally have already started macking on, but seriously – does he have the boyish charm of Alistair? The brooding intensity of the velvet-voiced Fenris? Or the three game long build up of Cullen and his tortured past?

 

Y4QTcjSVe59WVjfUMdgfMn-650-80

Mr. Fucking Potato Head.

Nope.

 

Now, I admit I haven’t reached Reyes or Jaal, yet, but unless that vagina has the silver tongue of James McAvoy, chances are I’m not going to be able to get randy with a vulva faced character, nor a spud noggin.

Seriously, who wants a softcore sci-fi porn with a tuberous plant? Is that a thing? Is it even a thing?

It will be now because I said it.

My disappointment was so palpable, I almost didn’t want to play anymore when I realized what a shunting the lovers of penis got.

 

mnYDHLk3yR8DYeKiVuRn5h-650-80

My face when I realized the shite options for lovin lady gamers.

And what does that say about the gaming world? When Bioware is setting their sights on inclusivity, why in a lineup of romance options, do they still blatantly cater to one section of their demographic, by and large? And one can’t argue ‘it’s because straight males make up the largest demographic in gaming.’

 

Of course, they do! They’re the highest served. If you serve one portion of your audience better than the rest, guess what? You’ll find more repeat customers on that side of the room. Of the many dems, bioware sees a massive portion of the girl gamer population, and they damn well know it. And often, it’s the women playing who praise the romance angle the loudest. Despite this fact, they still heavily catered the romance to straight men.

Accommodate all narratives! Lesbians lucking out because they can also enjoy the male gaze doesn’t equal inclusivity when your gay male romances can’t achieve Matchmaker achievement.

And ask your female gamers, gay or straight, why they love these franchises. I’m not alone when I say I play for the romance. When you somehow manage to make a female romance choice still about the visual appeal of a  vagina, you fail at fucking life.

 

idxaVEMjrnSA4qHQQ9K7f5-650-80

A. Literal. Fucking. Vagina. Would you like some mud with those flaps?

 

To Ban Or Not to Ban

I saw this on tumblr and Facebook today, and guess what –  I have an opinion…
  
Amazon has apparently stripped confederate flag items – as have Walmart and other retail giants – but ISIS and Nazi paraphernalia they have not. 

Now first of all, I don’t imagine Walmart or any retail store in America sold Isis or nazi flags, but I digress. 

Here’s my thoughts – I don’t personally believe in banning anything, per se -First amendment and all that. That having been said, flying this flag over state buildings throughout the south is an atrocity. Because as this meme helps to prove, the confederate flag flying over a southern state could be likened to modern day Berlin flying the Nazi flag over Abgeordnetenhaus (forgive my spelling, my fellow German speakers). They wouldn’t do it. Why? Why, you say? Only the Jews and gypsies and gay and anti-nazi and Jew sympathizers suffered from the acts of the third reich, and it was over half a century ago, get over it. Right? Right? Why does it bother you so much? It stands for German pride!!?
Nope. No one says that. Because what it stands for is representative of a time when a government held the stance that a minority could and should be oppressed and near to eradicated. Sure, the Third Reich also stood for German pride and culture, but guess what? It doesn’t matter. 
So no, I don’t stand firm that the confederate flag should be banned universally as a symbol, but I sure as shit wouldn’t purchase one and fly it anywhere, whether I come from Savannah, Charlotte, Dallas, or fucking Heidelberg. Genocide, slavery, and oppression are not something to celebrate, nor to overlook.

Fallout 4 – We’re All Massholes Now

Fallout 4 has released their game trailer to the world and to the overwhelming joy of Massholes the world over.

Those autumnal colors, the gold dome of the state building, the Old Meeting House, Paul Revere statue, the USS Constitution, Bunker Hill monument… did I miss one?

I got goose bumps. I’m all over this game like a Circus Chimp on a pack of cigarettes.

Scorpio – I’m Almost Afraid to Write This Post

Moving right along.

Scorpio has been lurking around corners, waiting for me to write this post. I am both excited by this notion, and abject fucking terrified. Why? Well, let’s jump right in and I’ll tell you.

Guess this fucker's sign... I rest my case.

Guess this fucker’s sign… I rest my case.

Scorpios are Bat Shit Insane.

There. Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way.

Scorpios have a reputation, and it is 100% deserved. Yet, I defend the somewhat unhinged reputation they have. Scorpios are not ‘crazy.’ They ARE super sensitive, extremely emotional, and very expressive. These traits are all WATER SIGN traits. All Cancers and Pisces are also very sensitive and affected by emotion; it’s how they process those emotions that varies greatly. A Cancer will take a slight by internalizing, giving you a nod and smile, and then holding a grudge for lifetimes. A Pisces will take a slight just as poorly, but they will then talk to you at length about how you made them feel poorly, because they want you to fix it. A Scorpio…?

A Scorpio takes that same slight, their feelings get hurt, they might cry and sob, need a shoulder to cry on, but they may also drag you out back, slit your throat and wear your skin to make themselves feel better.

Oh man, that made me laugh. Again, I’m kidding, but I’m also… not.

I discovered (yes, I did this research in my spare time) that of all African American MALE Serial Killers, 60% were Scorpio. Of all Female Serial Killers, 50% were Scorpio. That’s out of twelve signs. 50-60%.

Take that shit exactly as you will.

7adb51a9043155ab5213697a90ed57d0

Lightning quick wit. The mind and voice behind The Family Guy. Imagine pissing this guy off. He’d eviscerate you, and it would be fucking hilarious.

Scorpio is a Scorpion, and when they feel threatened they STING.

Sting, sting, sting!! Sometimes, a Scorpio will just SENSE a slight coming (Scorpios can be very insecure, feeling slighted, unliked, and unappreciated when such is not so much the case) and go for the preemptive STING. The Scorpio sting is a defense mechanism. If your Scorpio gets snippy, or downright cruel (as they can) try to reach through that hard shell and touch upon the real reason they are upset. It may be something you did or said, or it may simply be that they’re going through a rough time, and you are the safe outlet where they can unleash their venom. This isn’t ok, by any means, but it can be counteracted if you know what you are doing.

Now, for the last of the cautionary Scorpion tales –

Don’t Fucking Contradict A Scorpio

Just don’t. Well, no. If you need to, go for it, just make sure your Scorpio isn’t one of those serial killers I mentioned earlier. A Scorpio may say something inaccurate or false from time to time. They are very passionate, very dedicated individuals, and as a result they can go ALL IN on an idea when they’re riled up. And then the stubborn side kicks in. If you contradict this new fervor they have, give them a tone of ‘you don’t know what you’re talking about,’ brace for fucking impact.

“What did you just say? Yeah, but why did you say it? Yeah, but why did you say it LIKE that? Why did you need to come across like THAT?” Yeah, but why? Yeah, but why? Yeah, but why?

Yet, if you love this Scorpio and you sense they’ve gone off on a tangent and need a gentle tug back to their more sensible side, try – “Are you sure?” Or better yet, “Will you show me where you heard this so I can read it?” Or better yet, “I thought it was something else, but if you say so, maybe I was wrong.”

That last one will often stop them in their tracks. Being given the benefit of the doubt, being given your faith and respect – that’ll slow them right down. Being given your snide disagreement, or holier-than-thou ‘tude? Brace for fucking impact.

I once had a guy tell me “Girls Just Want to Have Fun” was by the Bangles. Made snide comments about my 80’s intelligence because I assured him it was Cyndi Lauper. Instead of proving myself right, I simply said, “You’re right honey. You’re always right.” He then went and looked it up himself, and conceded.

I learned quick, ladies and gentlemen. This same guy once dismissed my comment on The Patriots holding a record for longest winning streak in the NFL, and for Mohegan Sun holding the record for largest Casino in the world (at the time). Both facts one would expect a girl from New England to have some knowledge on, right?

Nope. Laughed in my face, claiming I didn’t know what I was talking about, ‘as per usual.’ I naturally pulled the facts up on Google and showed him I was right. He called me petty for it. Scorpio…

We broke up shortly thereafter, I assure you.

Now to the fun traits.

Scorpios are fucking WHORES!

anigif_enhanced-9115-1432649901-27

He’s not a Scorpio, but my inner whore just wants to watch him, so I’m sharing him for my Scorpio lady friends.

I’m not saying that is a bad thing. I’m an Aries with rising sign Cancer; when I’m smitten with someone, I constantly want to tear them apart with a side of blow jobs (Aries) while simultaneously wanting to snuggle them and bake them pumpkin whoopie pies (Cancer), so Scorpios aren’t the only shag lovin sign. Still, Scorpios take it to the next level.

There IS a next level.

Scorpios are led by the genitals. In a relationship, if they’re not getting shagged, they will go bat shit. (Earth Signs and Water signs tend to all be some shag happy people, but Scorpio is a breed unto itself) Grab their junk from time to time, send them flirty, dirty texts, maybe even some dick pics, remind them you want to see them naked ALL THE TIME. They love that shit.

Scorpios are one of the most likely signs to shag on a first date. They’re also pretty open to a Friends With Benefits arrangement. As long as they’re getting action, all’s well that end’s well.

Scorpios can be some kinky mofos.

Want a guy to chase you down in the woods and ravage you in a ski mask? Scorpio is so down with that idea. So down.

Want a girl to shag you in the broom closet at a funeral? Scorpio is already in the closet, what’s taking you so fucking long?

Watch her laugh. Scorpio vivaciousness captured.

Watch her laugh. Scorpio vivaciousness captured.

Scorpios Are Particular Creatures

If you love a Scorpio, you’ve probably seen how they work.

I’ve done work from time to time for a Scorpio man, working merchandise for my favorite band. I’ve done the job several times, know where everything goes, know how everything is done. When he was running late one day, I set up the table before he arrived. It looked exactly as it had every other time I’d done it, but when he arrived… he redid everything.

This is the Scorpio’s meticulous nature. They prefer for things to be a certain way. They have a system and that system is perfect. Don’t fuck with that system. Don’t deign to know the system as well as they do. Just step back and let them do their thing.

The same goes for decision making. A Scorpio needs to hear all the options, needs to be free to ask questions, and then needs to be allowed to hem and haw through it, but don’t you DARE try to make the decision for them. Unlike LIBRA, if you try to strongarm, you’ll get shanked. Scorpio is fully capable of making their own decision and once it is made, it is their way or the god damn highway.

Opinionated? Very.

Yet don’t lose faith. If you give them a wide berth, absorb as much as you can, and prove you’re going to honor the Scorpio’s preferences, they will LOVE YOU. The relief and comfort they feel knowing that they’ve not only been heard, but accepted – that their opinion was acknowledged and HONORED? You’ll see reward. Their appreciation will be made known.

Scorpios = FOOD

If you sit down with a crowd of people at a restaurant and one member of the dinner party gives the waitress the third degree –

“Is the salmon wild caught? Was it cooked with Butter? Is the salad made with GMO free vegetables? Is there Gluten in this salad dressing?”

Sure, other signs can be particular, too. These ARE the questions of a particular eater, but the sign of it being a SCORPIO is if the answers are not up to par, they won’t eat at all. Scorpios are the sign MOST LIKELY to be a vegan, vegetarian, fruitarian, Gluten Free, Dairy Free, Humane Farmed – Scorpios are super particular about food.

That having been said, they are also the sign MOST in love with the act of eating. Water signs all share the love of food (Watch a water sign eat something really delicious. If they don’t dance, they moan. You think I’m kidding), but a Scorpio is ready to throw down $200 a plate to be cooked for by their favorite chef and they cannot for THE LIFE OF THEM comprehend how you’re not. Want to win a Scorpio? Be a good cook. Cook for them.

Food is Scorpio’s second biggest vice – the first being sex, obviously. Were you not paying attention?

Scorpios are quirky and eccentric – and often HILARIOUS.

This scene of Emma Stone (A Scorpio) should be on the dating profile of every Scorpio Woman on OK CUPID.

Also, this one.

The second one is also a good representation of a Scorpio man. Did you SEE how meticulously he made that drink?

Scorpios tend to have big personalities and they’re also pretty damn transparent. Even the shy ones, once you get to know them, they are just vivacious. They might be somewhat introverted to begin with, but once you’re in their good graces, they come out and make dick jokes to your grandmother. They’re opinion shows. If they like something, or if they DON’T like something, it reads plainly. They just say it. It just comes out.

Stubborn, vivacious, food loving sex fiends who may or may not kill you and wear your skin if you cross them. It’s all good.

Scorpios are said to go best with other Water Signs (Cancer and Pisces) and Earth Signs (Virgo, Capricorn, and though Taurus is their opposite, Taurus).

The Trouble with Liking Sex – as a Woman

IMG_2709Let Your Freak Flag Fly: 11 Struggles Of Being A Highly Sexual Woman

When you’re a woman who absolutely loves sex, you’re a minority among your female counterparts. You’re a bit like a unicorn, a woman whom men have heard of but have never seen.

To many, you are a myth. In fact, women being sexual creatures in any sense are a myth to most.

This article is my spirit animal.

There’s an interesting downfall to being a “Unicorn” as this article by Gigi Engle calls us, and it’s one that can really get us in trouble. It’s that a lot of men who would call us the “HOLY GRAIL” become intimidated by the notion of a woman with that much passion. Is it because they fear they can’t keep up with us, that we’re insatiable, that they won’t be able to please us, or is it that they themselves have oversold their own passions and lustful tendencies in their efforts to win our interest? Maybe both.

I don’t know, but either way it was a good read. Here’s hoping there are some male unicorns out there as well.

Why Would Someone Use This Room For Anything Else?

I’ve never understood the people who want to grow plants in such a space. I mean sure, let’s get some floral apocalypse going up in here, but what I want this room for – what I will use this room for when I buy my future house that will obviously have a conservatory is – well, it’s obvious.

I’m going to write in it. When I’m not shagging my true love in it, obviously.

113575221822940524_C7dJV8aX_c

Shagging and writing. Clearest of all winners. For those are the things that would make ME bloom. 😛

Let’s Get The Blue Jokes Rolling, Shall We?

Prepare to laugh mercilessly at me – 
So, Glucomannan was recommended to me as a fiber supplement. It apparently thickens in your belly, makes you feel full, all that great stuff. I thought why not and order some. It arrives and I see it says 2g fiber per serving.  WHAT? That’s freakin nothing! I thought…

I decide to give it a whirl this morning, plop two tablespoons into a glass of OJ and Water, stir, and quickly realize if I didn’t drink it fast, I’ll be using it to spackle drywall, it thickened so much. I chugged that gelatinous ooze as quick as I could, ignoring the unfortunate texture, then settled in with a glass of water, reading the fine print on the bottle to my mother.

Me – “Take One Half level teaspoon in 8oz of water twice daily.”

Mom – “Wait. One HALF LEVEL TEASPOON?”

Me- “Yeah?”

Mom – “How much did you just put in that glass of OJ?”

Me – “Uhhh…two tablespoons.”

Mom – “So, you just took 12 times the dose?”

Me – *Stares at container* “Woops.”

And there you have it. 24 grams of fiber in one sitting.

Today is going to be a good day, ladies and gentlemen.

So to celebrate the aPOOcalypse that will most likely be the next two days of my life, I bring you – 

Poop memes