Moving right along.
Scorpio has been lurking around corners, waiting for me to write this post. I am both excited by this notion, and abject fucking terrified. Why? Well, let’s jump right in and I’ll tell you.
Guess this fucker’s sign… I rest my case.
Scorpios are Bat Shit Insane.
There. Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way.
Scorpios have a reputation, and it is 100% deserved. Yet, I defend the somewhat unhinged reputation they have. Scorpios are not ‘crazy.’ They ARE super sensitive, extremely emotional, and very expressive. These traits are all WATER SIGN traits. All Cancers and Pisces are also very sensitive and affected by emotion; it’s how they process those emotions that varies greatly. A Cancer will take a slight by internalizing, giving you a nod and smile, and then holding a grudge for lifetimes. A Pisces will take a slight just as poorly, but they will then talk to you at length about how you made them feel poorly, because they want you to fix it. A Scorpio…?
A Scorpio takes that same slight, their feelings get hurt, they might cry and sob, need a shoulder to cry on, but they may also drag you out back, slit your throat and wear your skin to make themselves feel better.
Oh man, that made me laugh. Again, I’m kidding, but I’m also… not.
I discovered (yes, I did this research in my spare time) that of all African American MALE Serial Killers, 60% were Scorpio. Of all Female Serial Killers, 50% were Scorpio. That’s out of twelve signs. 50-60%.
Take that shit exactly as you will.
Lightning quick wit. The mind and voice behind The Family Guy. Imagine pissing this guy off. He’d eviscerate you, and it would be fucking hilarious.
Scorpio is a Scorpion, and when they feel threatened they STING.
Sting, sting, sting!! Sometimes, a Scorpio will just SENSE a slight coming (Scorpios can be very insecure, feeling slighted, unliked, and unappreciated when such is not so much the case) and go for the preemptive STING. The Scorpio sting is a defense mechanism. If your Scorpio gets snippy, or downright cruel (as they can) try to reach through that hard shell and touch upon the real reason they are upset. It may be something you did or said, or it may simply be that they’re going through a rough time, and you are the safe outlet where they can unleash their venom. This isn’t ok, by any means, but it can be counteracted if you know what you are doing.
Now, for the last of the cautionary Scorpion tales –
Don’t Fucking Contradict A Scorpio
Just don’t. Well, no. If you need to, go for it, just make sure your Scorpio isn’t one of those serial killers I mentioned earlier. A Scorpio may say something inaccurate or false from time to time. They are very passionate, very dedicated individuals, and as a result they can go ALL IN on an idea when they’re riled up. And then the stubborn side kicks in. If you contradict this new fervor they have, give them a tone of ‘you don’t know what you’re talking about,’ brace for fucking impact.
“What did you just say? Yeah, but why did you say it? Yeah, but why did you say it LIKE that? Why did you need to come across like THAT?” Yeah, but why? Yeah, but why? Yeah, but why?
Yet, if you love this Scorpio and you sense they’ve gone off on a tangent and need a gentle tug back to their more sensible side, try – “Are you sure?” Or better yet, “Will you show me where you heard this so I can read it?” Or better yet, “I thought it was something else, but if you say so, maybe I was wrong.”
That last one will often stop them in their tracks. Being given the benefit of the doubt, being given your faith and respect – that’ll slow them right down. Being given your snide disagreement, or holier-than-thou ‘tude? Brace for fucking impact.
I once had a guy tell me “Girls Just Want to Have Fun” was by the Bangles. Made snide comments about my 80’s intelligence because I assured him it was Cyndi Lauper. Instead of proving myself right, I simply said, “You’re right honey. You’re always right.” He then went and looked it up himself, and conceded.
I learned quick, ladies and gentlemen. This same guy once dismissed my comment on The Patriots holding a record for longest winning streak in the NFL, and for Mohegan Sun holding the record for largest Casino in the world (at the time). Both facts one would expect a girl from New England to have some knowledge on, right?
Nope. Laughed in my face, claiming I didn’t know what I was talking about, ‘as per usual.’ I naturally pulled the facts up on Google and showed him I was right. He called me petty for it. Scorpio…
We broke up shortly thereafter, I assure you.
Now to the fun traits.
Scorpios are fucking WHORES!
He’s not a Scorpio, but my inner whore just wants to watch him, so I’m sharing him for my Scorpio lady friends.
I’m not saying that is a bad thing. I’m an Aries with rising sign Cancer; when I’m smitten with someone, I constantly want to tear them apart with a side of blow jobs (Aries) while simultaneously wanting to snuggle them and bake them pumpkin whoopie pies (Cancer), so Scorpios aren’t the only shag lovin sign. Still, Scorpios take it to the next level.
There IS a next level.
Scorpios are led by the genitals. In a relationship, if they’re not getting shagged, they will go bat shit. (Earth Signs and Water signs tend to all be some shag happy people, but Scorpio is a breed unto itself) Grab their junk from time to time, send them flirty, dirty texts, maybe even some dick pics, remind them you want to see them naked ALL THE TIME. They love that shit.
Scorpios are one of the most likely signs to shag on a first date. They’re also pretty open to a Friends With Benefits arrangement. As long as they’re getting action, all’s well that end’s well.
Scorpios can be some kinky mofos.
Want a guy to chase you down in the woods and ravage you in a ski mask? Scorpio is so down with that idea. So down.
Want a girl to shag you in the broom closet at a funeral? Scorpio is already in the closet, what’s taking you so fucking long?
Watch her laugh. Scorpio vivaciousness captured.
Scorpios Are Particular Creatures
If you love a Scorpio, you’ve probably seen how they work.
I’ve done work from time to time for a Scorpio man, working merchandise for my favorite band. I’ve done the job several times, know where everything goes, know how everything is done. When he was running late one day, I set up the table before he arrived. It looked exactly as it had every other time I’d done it, but when he arrived… he redid everything.
This is the Scorpio’s meticulous nature. They prefer for things to be a certain way. They have a system and that system is perfect. Don’t fuck with that system. Don’t deign to know the system as well as they do. Just step back and let them do their thing.
The same goes for decision making. A Scorpio needs to hear all the options, needs to be free to ask questions, and then needs to be allowed to hem and haw through it, but don’t you DARE try to make the decision for them. Unlike LIBRA, if you try to strongarm, you’ll get shanked. Scorpio is fully capable of making their own decision and once it is made, it is their way or the god damn highway.
Yet don’t lose faith. If you give them a wide berth, absorb as much as you can, and prove you’re going to honor the Scorpio’s preferences, they will LOVE YOU. The relief and comfort they feel knowing that they’ve not only been heard, but accepted – that their opinion was acknowledged and HONORED? You’ll see reward. Their appreciation will be made known.
Scorpios = FOOD
If you sit down with a crowd of people at a restaurant and one member of the dinner party gives the waitress the third degree –
“Is the salmon wild caught? Was it cooked with Butter? Is the salad made with GMO free vegetables? Is there Gluten in this salad dressing?”
Sure, other signs can be particular, too. These ARE the questions of a particular eater, but the sign of it being a SCORPIO is if the answers are not up to par, they won’t eat at all. Scorpios are the sign MOST LIKELY to be a vegan, vegetarian, fruitarian, Gluten Free, Dairy Free, Humane Farmed – Scorpios are super particular about food.
That having been said, they are also the sign MOST in love with the act of eating. Water signs all share the love of food (Watch a water sign eat something really delicious. If they don’t dance, they moan. You think I’m kidding), but a Scorpio is ready to throw down $200 a plate to be cooked for by their favorite chef and they cannot for THE LIFE OF THEM comprehend how you’re not. Want to win a Scorpio? Be a good cook. Cook for them.
Food is Scorpio’s second biggest vice – the first being sex, obviously. Were you not paying attention?
Scorpios are quirky and eccentric – and often HILARIOUS.
This scene of Emma Stone (A Scorpio) should be on the dating profile of every Scorpio Woman on OK CUPID.
Also, this one.
The second one is also a good representation of a Scorpio man. Did you SEE how meticulously he made that drink?
Scorpios tend to have big personalities and they’re also pretty damn transparent. Even the shy ones, once you get to know them, they are just vivacious. They might be somewhat introverted to begin with, but once you’re in their good graces, they come out and make dick jokes to your grandmother. They’re opinion shows. If they like something, or if they DON’T like something, it reads plainly. They just say it. It just comes out.
Stubborn, vivacious, food loving sex fiends who may or may not kill you and wear your skin if you cross them. It’s all good.
Scorpios are said to go best with other Water Signs (Cancer and Pisces) and Earth Signs (Virgo, Capricorn, and though Taurus is their opposite, Taurus).