Tweeting Gold

Sometimes, I say things… and they make me laugh.

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It has recently come to my attention that I should be a rapper. Must redirect existance immediately.

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This guy at Denny’s, if he were a hobbit his name would be Tea Baggins.

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So, yesterday butt crack of dawn wake up for the neighbors getting their driveway paved. Looks faboo. Now to kill them.

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Just finished perusing my Athena’s catalog and I realized someday I am going to make some lucky guy very…VERY happy.

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Yes guys and dolls, I’ve done it. Taco Bell is a cruel mistress, but she does things my wife won’t do… 😛

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Sharon Stone said to have IQ of 154. Then explain to me ladies and gentlemen, why did she do Basic Instinct 2?

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Rainforest Cafe exascerbates my new found fear of chimps trying to eat my face.

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Discipline OMWAN! See, mine is so strong, I’m not even going to edit that typo!

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While out, stop at a dive for a bite. Yes, it may affect your colon like a ripped open bag of peat moss, but it’ll do wonders for the soul.

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I’ve always kinda felt like that one Non-bearded guy in ZZ Top is kinda a buzzkill…

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Woke up today and thought it was Sunday. I’m not really sure what that means, but my immediate assumption is that I’m a time traveller.

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Never put a bag of holding in a bag of holding.

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First day as a vegetarian, I ate meatballs for lunch. Operation Vegetarian, Take Two. 🙂

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You know what I love about Massachusetts and New England in general… we know how to name our shit. Athol, for example.

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Old ladies who walk arm in arm with each other are the key to world peace. Well, that and handlebar mustaches.

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Man, that film in Epcot totally made me want to visit Norway! In the 1980’s.

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When some thing is so hot it burns your lips, why is the logical response to shove it your mouth faster?

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They say the fiber dissolves in your drink and you won’t even know it’s there. Lies. I know it’s there. I will always know it’s there…

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I am cooking Lemon Pepper Chicken with veggie medly and pasta. I AM Martha Stewart and Sandra Lee combined, except I’m not a drunk felon.

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Southeast asian restaurants sign claims: We serve beer & WIN. Well they have my business, that’s for sure.

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Was just askeed by a website to change my info (had last name as Ted Bagodonuts, they said it was fake.) So I did. To Suck Mahballs.

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I need to pee, but I’ve adopted this new mantra of never letting anyone tell me what to do. So fuck you bladder. Let’s see who wins!

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