I may have mentioned Alitalia before on this blog, given my recent penchant for world travel, but what I didn’t mention, quite, was the fact that I will, literally, never fly Alitalia again.
Why you ask?
No, it isn’t the cold fishy mashed potatoes, that wasn’t that bad.
No, it isn’t the steward who literally rested his cock and balls on my shoulder while he adjusted his bag for three minutes in the overhead compartment.
And no, it isn’t the grainy 80’s television sets on which they showed decades old advertisements for their own airline, or the fuzzy showing of Gulliver’s Travels on five TVs total for the entire seven-person-to-an-aisle, eight hour flight.
Here is the reason – their customer service. Do you need to check in on-line before heading to the airport? Too bad asshole! That isn’t available. It says it is, but the site won’t recognize your ticket number and when you call directly to get it, they might literally call you stupid for asking such mundane questions. You think I’m kidding?
When you arrive at the airport, they will happily take their sweet ass time checking everyone in. (I will be honest, the lady at the desk was a sweetheart. Still, she alone could not make up for the rest of the entire company.) Expect a line out the effing door.
After your flight, if you wish to request credit for your miles with some frequent flier program, they’ll ask you to fax your ticket and boarding pass. Only problem is, they take your ticket to let you on the feckin plane.
Still, don’t worry – it’s YOU that is the idiot. They will assure you of this.
Anyway, I just had to relive the appallingly horrendous service a moment ago by calling the service line for ticketing info from my trip. I was accosted verbally and told I was clearly slow because I couldn’t find my ticket number on the boarding pass. It isn’t on the boarding pass, ladies and gentlemen. I am clearly a moron.
Their one redeeming quality – if you fly with them by some curse of fate, you can apply the miles to a Delta Frequent Flier Program. All you need is your ticket numbe- FUCK!
Please, if ever you hear me mention a trip again, if I suddenly start considering Alitalia for any reason, remind me of one simple thing. I would rather pluck out my own eye and eat it than ever fly with their airline again.
IcelandAir, you’ve won me back.