Scare me, I’ll love you

I have had this strange tick my whole life – I enjoy being frightened. Now, when I say I enjoy being frightened, I mean I enjoy the feeling of fear in a safe environment. As a child I LOVED the Haunted Mansion in Disney World, I love scary movies (involving ghosts, not gory murder. Fuck gory murder, I could overcome a gory murderer…a ghost that hates me on the otherhand…) and when I marry me a handsome man, if he were to make sure all the lights were off when I got home, then jump out and chase me around the house, I would shag his effing brains out like a two dollar hooker on five dollar friday! Fear just does that to me. For example, Universal Studios Fright Night (to which I am going in less than three weeks… FUCK YEAH!) was one of the most fun experiences of my vacation last year. And on top of that, my visit to Witch’s Woods last year, my stop at Warwick’s Castle Dungeon in England, and the London Dungeon in London all resulted in my falling temporarily MADLY in love with some random dude who proved his ability to both terrify and seduce me at the SAME TIME.

Now I didn’t always know about this tendency of mine, other than the obsessive Unsolved Mysteries habit I had as a kid, which is probably telling. I discovered this by accident. The accident took place at the London Dungeon, again one of my favorite places to visit when I am in the UK. Hokey and touristy, yes, but my god I couldn’t get enough of it. I loved the creepy exhibits and the ambience, but the real clincher were the people dressed up as spooky ass shit, jumping out at me, flipping my hair from around corners, whispering in my ear to frighten me. Only problem is, after the fright wore off, I wanted to bang the shit out of them. Didn’t hurt that they were English.

Now, ever since the initial discovery, I hadn’t encountered similar locations until Universal Fright Night, which started with a whimper to be honest. Apparently, I have what some would call “Intimidation Factor.” I do nothing to propogate it, but apparently upon first meeting me, pretty much everyone I know was afraid of me. Not sure why. Perhaps they sense my love of headbutts, but I simply can’t tell. Still, this only became a real nuisance (well other than the fact that guys apparently don’t ask me out because of this fact) when I arrived at Fright Night and literally NO ONE jumped out at me. Not in the haunted houses, not in the streets. It was like I was a leper to them. They would literally careen around me to get to my companions, and boy would she shriek.

Did they sense her trepidation? Did they sense that I would laugh in their face if they came at me? (Literally, that’s my reaction to fear. I laugh. It makes me seem even more bat shit, doesn’t it? I have the same reaction when I want to lick someone’s face. Again…telling.)

So, I tried something… I shrugged up my shoulders as tight as I could, fiddled my fingers nervously, and slowed my walking pace. My inner badass still sauntered fearlessly, but I let my body language lie on my behalf.

Oh man…it was all over.

I was like crack to these fucking people. They came out of the woodwork to launch themselves in my face, chasing me, hooting and hollering at me, sneaking up to hover over my shoulder. It was fucking amazing.

Now, I look for any and all opportunities to visit another location where such treatment will be possible. Witch’s Woods in Westford, Massachusetts; Spooky World in Litchfield, NH; and Fright Night at Universal are all on the slate for this Halloween season.

But I warn you, if the guy who literally pressed me into the tractor floor by lying on me at Witch’s Woods, or the dude featured in the above video with that slick as fuck slide move come anywhere near me this year…I might be mothering their children this time next year.

Juuuuust sayin.

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