Don’t Settle For Less Than You Deserve, Damn It!

I bet even Beelzebub has a Soul Mate, people.

Well, I wasn’t expecting to wax poetic on the subject of romance and relationships today, but I’m going to.

I’ve been in some failed relationships. For real. I think everyone who has ever stepped outside the house can claim the same. Despite this fact, I am still the most hopeful and romantic person on the planet. I firmly believe I’ll end up married to my soul mate, driving him nuts with my constant smooches, but that aside, I’ve come to feel very strongly about the subject. Why? Because I’ve gotten it wrong before. Getting it wrong is either an opportunity to dwell and fall apart and vow acts of terrorism against the opposite sex, or acknowledge what was wrong about it and learn.

I choose to learn. I’ve hereby come to stand by certain rules. (And to clarify, I stand by them because my getting it wrong in the past was due to breaking the shit out of them. Of course, I didn’t know the rules then.)


1) Be Yourself

Do not alter yourself in order to please another person. This might piss some girls I’ve met off, (But he needs to change, he needs to grow up, he needs to *insert anything here*) but it is rule NUMBER ONE! He doesn’t need to do shit, my dear. He needs to be himself, and you the same. Do not change yourself to please, and Do NOT go out with someone who would be ‘perfect, if they just…’ I believe we are all intended for someone, have soul mates, what have you. If you think a guy needs to change, you probably shouldn’t be with him because he probably never will. Neither will you. And that’s ok. If you belong together, they’ll love you for your faults as much as your virtues, not want to reprogram you.

And let’s be real, there are some crazy bitches out there, but oddly enough, there are dudes out there who loves thems some crazy bitches. Or even better, there are guys out there with whom that crazy bitch would no longer be a crazy bitch. You see what I’m saying?

2) It’s a Two Way Street

I once read an analogy that completely floored me because I was guilty of it. In a couple, there are three cups – each person has one and there is a shared ‘relationship’ cup. Both partners are to fill the shared cup with water from their own. Yet, when you start pouring yourself in to make up for someone else falling short, your partner’s cup is full, the shared cup is full, but yours is – and you feel – empty. From their perspective the relationship is GREAT and they’re doing wonderful! Suddenly you blow up because you’re not satisfied and your partner thinks you’re a ‘crazy bitch’ because they see NOTHING wrong with this scenario.

A lot of great women are guilty of this and some really great guys are too. It’s a sign of selflessness and devotion, but it’s not healthy. You need to be getting as much out of the partnership as you are giving and if you’re not, and if you don’t speak up and change the situation, you’re probably never going to. Don’t make another person happy at the expense of your own happiness. The right guy/girl will be happy just idling in the cloud of your foot stench, so please – don’t lose sight of what is possible by settling into what is.

And my big two, ladies and gentlemen…

3) Laugh, Constantly

If he doesn’t make you laugh, what’s the point?


4) Shag like Fucking Rabbits (pun intended)

Now, I might be accused of putting too much emphasis on intimacy, but seriously, you’re not putting enough.

Do you have a libido? Do you get shagged as often as you want to, and when you do, is it mind-blowing? No? Something is wrong with your fucking relationship.

Do you hate sex? Does your girlfriend constantly try to initiate sex and you push her away because the thought disgusts you and you’d rather go play with trains in the basement? There is something most definitely wrong with your fucking relationship.

I know, a lot of people want to say that “Sex isn’t a proper gauge of a relationship because after a while it dies down.” Bull shit. Sex should be happening three to four times a week, minimum and it should be adventurous, mutually gratifying, passionate fucking sex. (I say three to four times a week so as to not frighten those with lower libidos who might read this) If the passion and frequency is dying down in your relationship, but you are truly satisfied with them in every other way, schedule it. If they are not willing to schedule Hump Days, sorry, but there is something wrong with your relationship.

I find that a couple’s sex life can be compared to the relationship in general. A girl wants her boyfriend constantly, but he won’t put out half the time and when he does, he refuses to do what she likes. I would bet you money that in that relationship, she is the giver and he is the expectant receiver. Guess whose cup is empty.

Here’s another one – guy adores his girlfriend, but whenever he attempts to initiate sex, she rejects him and perhaps even with force. Sex only happens if she initiates it, or if he jumps through the right hoops. This again transfers to the day to day and I bet sex isn’t the only aspect of their relationship that she ‘controls.’

A recent study said that the long lasting, devoted, “Affair free” relationships they witnessed were all suffering from one specific detail – Great Sex.

That’s right, they exist. Some couples take the time to really explore one another, learn what the other likes, and in some cases, just automatically like the same things. They keep things interesting, aim to please the other rather than themselves, and they do it a minimum of three to four times a week, thank you very much. These were relationships of varied durations, from just a few years to thirty plus years. That’s right, couples in their fifties and sixties are still getting it on like Donkey Kong. Your theory that the sex just ‘dies down’ is complete and total bull shit. And let’s be real, if the sex dies, what are you? Roommates. That’s not what you want.

The hardest part of all these lessons is that I didn’t recognize the failings of the relationships I was in when I was knee deep in the shit. I only became aware that these things were failures, that these were signs of something less than I deserved when I was finally able to look back with clear eyes. If we could all be demonstrative and honest with what we need and want, without fearing the loss that might result, we might actually be available when someone better for us appears.

All of the aforementioned hullabaloo is trickling down to one very specific point – the right person is worth waiting for. Some girl will totally get your belching the alphabet talent, and some guy will think your farts smell like sunshine, and some beautiful woman will love suffocating you in her tits three times a day, so hold the fuck out for them and don’t look back in anger.

Just learn.


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