Dude, You’re Not Irish

Disclaimer: If you are, in fact, from Ireland, this does not include you. If you are third, second, or first generation born outside Ireland, I’ll give you an exemption as well, but if you can’t name your relative that was born in Ireland, or don’t have one, and are planning to wear Green while you get blitzkrieged drunk this Sunday, this applies to you and all of your kind.

This is you.

This is you.

There are two types of people who take to the bars on St. Paddy’s day – well three, technically: The Alky, the Non Drinker who wants to “Go out and get wasted!” and end up puking out the side of their designated driver’s car, like an asshole, OR you’re the guy who is begrudgingly humoring your friends who are one of these two, and going for the socializing.

Even if you’re the third, you’re still an ass because, really, why would you want to socialize with the other two, in massive numbers? These herds are not to be trifled with! And they make you look bad!

So anyway, my point, before you don your green shamrock headband and your “Kiss me, I’m Irish” t-shirt, I just want to say this.

You are not Irish. You’re just wishful thinking.

I’m just saying. And I mean no offense by it, not in the slightest, I’m just saying. You’re no more Irish on St. Paddy’s Day than you are Mexican on Cinco de Mayo.

I’m just SAYIN!

Seriously though, I was brought up painfully Irish. My grandmother was born with a brogue, my father was raised with an overwhelming sense of Catholic guilt, and I have red hair and a temper that could sack Rome (much like my Celtic ancestors). So then why am I not going out on Sunday to get painfully, confession worthy drunk? Because I don’t need an excuse to drink, I actually am Irish.

Now, no offense to you Alki bastards, more power to you. I just don’t find the TRAVESTY that is Green Beer appealing in anyway.

tumblr_m0zyjrHlVp1qgf0w3o1_400Look at this swill. You know they wouldn’t dye a GOOD beer green, by any means. Drinking this is disgusting, it’s an affront to good beer the world over, and it isn’t any more Irish than Chicken Marsala. Seriously, what self respecting, beer drinking Irishman goes out on St. Paddy’s Day and drinks green beer?

An alcoholic. A non drinker. A jackass? I don’t know, pick one!

Yes, they drink it because Green Beer is cheap. It’s also foul, but it’ll get ya hammered, and it’s festive enough to hide that you’re a shell of a man, drowning your sorrows in 2$ beer. Oh man, that sounded mean. I don’t actually mean that, sir. You might not be an alcoholic. You might just be a drunk.

A drunk is a person who enjoys drinking more than he should, likes getting blitzed every once in a while, probably more often than he knows he should, but when he needs to, he cuts back or stops for long durations, until another social hurrah summons his inner lush. A drunk has standards. A drunk has his go to drinks.

A drunk drinks good tequila. A drunk drinks Whiskey or Whisky, depending on his mood. A drunk DOES NOT drink green beer. Not voluntarily anyway. But if his cheap alky friend or non drinker buddy orders a round of green beer, he’ll do his best to oblige, politely. Or, if he’s completely scrapped for cash, he might sully his reputation for a couple pints of green swill.

beer_photo_draught_pintStill…A true Irishman will be drinking this.

Or if you’re like me, A Magners, or a bit of Whiskey on ice, or a White Russian (the dude fucking abides!), but that’s not Irish, it’s just tasty. Give me a little Maker’s Mark (Makeh’s Mahk, say it right), or some Sam Adams at least, but don’t go down the path of foolish nonsense. Don’t be one of ‘those’ people.

I will admit, I celebrate St. Paddy’s most years. I’ll cook up some Corned Beef and Cabbage (despite Irishmen being completely oblivious to what the hell that is, in many cases). I might go down my pub in the afternoon for a Magners on ice and a Reuben sandwich.

However, you’d have to kill me before you could get me to drink green beer. And if someone tried to dye Magners green, I’d have to stab them.

Don’t sully my drink, sir. It’s the perfect color, to begin with.

So, in summation – if you enjoy having excuses to go out and get drunk, that’s just fine by me, more power to ya, just don’t claim it as a birthright. Just get drunk.

I’m just saying.

800px-Guinness_Storehouse_St__Patrick's_Day_sign

No you’re not, don’t lie.

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